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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost seven years and have lived together for almost three. We’re generally very compatible and respectful of each other’s differences, however, lately we’ve been having an issue over our neighbor’s cat.
This cat, who I’ll call Brutus, lives in the apartment building next to ours and is frequently outside. He periodically comes to our apartment building and if my girlfriend sees him, she’ll go outside to shower him with attention, especially because we’re not allowed to have pets in our apartment. On several occasions now, when my girlfriend goes outside to see him, he “accidentally” gets inside before she can shut the door all the way. Once he is inside, he’ll investigate everything in the apartment, rub himself all over the furniture, and plop down on the floor and refuse to leave. My girlfriend finds this immensely entertaining, even though I am allergic to cats and, due to a traumatic experience as a toddler, lock myself in the bathroom the entire him he is there. Even worse, I also believe he isn’t fixed, as one time, he climbed on a shelf and sprayed one of my favorite collectible items, certainly depreciating the value of it. I will text my girlfriend from the bathroom asking her to get him out of our apartment, but then I just hear her laughing outside of the door. I’ve tried to talk to her about this and how traumatizing it is for me, but she says I’m just being overdramatic.
I’m thinking about contacting his owners (the contact information is on his name tag) and letting them know that I am concerned about his safety and the safety of the community due to him spending so much time outside (especially because he isn’t fixed). I am also considering contacting our landlord because we aren’t allowed to have pets in the apartment. Am I making too big of a deal out of this and need to get over it? Or do I reach out to the owners or landlord so my girlfriend finally realizes how serious this is? I’ve tried talking to her, but she just won’t take my concerns seriously. I love her a lot, but I’m at my wits’ end!
—Cat-astrophe
Dear Cat-astrophe,
If you’re concerned about Brutus, I would absolutely contact his owners, but I don’t think you’re as worried about the well-being of the cat as you are about your own. I think that’s fine! But let’s keep it real with each other.
Your girlfriend may be laughing and acting playful while she does it, but disregarding your comfort and feelings of safety in your home, especially in such an unnecessary way, isn’t a joke. I know you love her, and I know you feel that she loves you, but her behavior is disrespectful and not an expression of love and care.
You’ve already expressed how it affects you when she is careless about interacting with your neighbor’s cat, and she was dismissive. But you can’t stop speaking up for yourself and telling her what you need. Continue to convey your feelings, your thoughts and solutions, and if she can’t participate in that endeavor without treating it like a joke, it might be time to question why the person who loves you so much doesn’t seem to care about what’s hurting you in this instance.
—Ashley
Classic Prudie
My husband and I host the weekly family dinner ever since my in-laws sold their house for a retirement community. We are the only ones with the space to entertain since we have a lovely enclosed deck, grill, and fire pit. My sister-in-law is going through a divorce. My sympathy is gone because she uses family dinner to dump her three children, ages 3 to 9, and go out and party. My in-laws both use walkers and can’t really watch the baby, let alone keep the two older kids from acting out.
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